Friday, October 14, 2011

I finally understand...

Well, anyone who knows me probably knows that I have a list of actors whose movies I boycott. This list includes:

Will Ferrel
Sacha Baron Cohen
Steve Carell
Ben Stiller
Vince Vaugn
Owen Wilson
Luke Wilson

They're divided into two groups, those whom I can be forced to watch if I absolutely have to and if someone else is paying (the bottom five on the list) and those whom the very mention of fill me with rage and I would rather submit myself to torture than watch, because torture, as horrible as it may be, is far less painful (the top two on the list).

I am very vocal in my hatred of Will Ferrel. Show them what I'd like to do to him Seth MacFarlane.


Anyway, I can't stand the guy. I don't find him even mildly amusing, which completely defeats the purpose of any movie he's ever been in. And you know what, I actually kind of feel dirty while watching his movies. I wish that I could inflict upon him all of the suffering I've endured being forced to watch his god-awful movies on dates. There are no words for how much I dislike his movies. My hatred for him has grown so great that I've actaually started enforcing a rule with anyone I date, I will never, ever, ever, EVER watch one of his movies, EVER! In return I'll go to pretty much anything else without complaint... except musicals... I hate musicals...

Anyway, my sister is trying to set me up someone with who loves him, and that's cool, everyone's entitled to their opinions and to enjoy the things they enjoy. So I sat down last night and tried to watch one of his less stupid movies and figure out just why I don't like him.

First, I don't find Will Ferrel funny, at all, not even the slightest bit. I've never even cracked a smile during any of his movies. I don't get him. I don't understand the joke. I don't understand why the things he says and does are supposed to be funny, so they're not, and as his movies have little else beside his supposed comedy in them, they're long, dull, soul-crushingly boring, and painful to sit through. Did I mention that they make me feel kind of dirty to watch? It's like watching a movie completely based on a contextual joke, where the context isn't set so it's impossible to understand the joke.

Now, I am not an expert on film, nor am I an expert on comedy. Even still, I can tell a good movie when I see one, and a bad movie when I see one. I can tell a funny joke when I hear one, and a not so funny joke when I hear one. I do have a sense of humor, though I've been told it's rather dry and quite morbid. I do enjoy other comedy movies. Just not his.

My first encounter with him was the movie Superstar, which was, quite possible, the worst movie I've ever seen, and keep in mind that I've seen the un-MST3K-riffed version of Manos: The Hands of Fate, which is widely regarded as the worst movie of all time. I actually thought to myself during Borat, "This is the worst movie I've ever seen... no, actually, I'd rather watch this than Superstar again." I am not making that up. Every encounter with Will Ferrell after that has been worse and worse until I came to the point where I absolutely refuse to watch any of his movies ever for any reason because even the mere mention of his name fills me with rage.

At first I thought I was too smart to understand his supposed comedy. I imagined a plywood cutout with a cartoonish circus ringmaster on it holding his hand at about waist height and a little comic text bubble saying, "you must be this dumb to enjoy the movie." But that's not it. People that I know to be far more intelligent than I am like his movies. That left me stumped. I have no idea why people think he's funny. I have no idea why what he does is supposed to be funny. I have no other clues as to why I might not enjoy his supposed comedy.

I'm reminded of an interview on a latenight talk show a few years back with Robert Duval, one of the greatest actors of our time, who had the displeasure of working with Ferrel on a film, I forget which. When asked how he could keep a straight face while acting across from Ferrel, he kind of stared blankly and said he didn't understand. Thank you Robert Duval, one of the greatest actors of our time, FOR HAVING SOME FREAKING TASTE!

Anyway, I'm rambling. So I booted up my netflix and chose out the Will Ferrel movie people keep telling me is better than the others (it isn't by the way, it's the same garbage as all the rest, just with a cutesy christmas motif to it. It's still the same old crap, whether it's decked in christmas colors or not).

Again, I have no idea why this is funny. I just don't understand what makes other people laugh at this crap. It's not funny. Hell, it's not even entertaining. But I did notice something. Again, as I was watching it, I kind of felt uncomfortably dirty. Then I saw something I never noticed before. Will Ferrel is retarded. No, really, like actually, literally mentally handicapped. Watch how he talks. Listen to his tone of voice. Look at how he moves and his manerisms. And not just in his movies, in his interviews as well. He's mentally handicapped. That's why I feel dirty watching his moves. I happen to think it's horribly wrong to laugh at the mentally infirm, and when everyone else does, it makes me feel a bit soiled by it.

Anyway, I still have yet to figure out why people think he's funny, because he's not. At all. Not even a tiny bit. But I did figure out why I feel bad when I watch one of his movies. I still refuse to EVER watch a single one of his movies ever again, and I really wish that people would stop paying money to watch them so that the people making hte movies would get the hint and stop casting him.

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