Monday, October 29, 2012

Trolling Election Pollers 101

If you're like me, you've gotten about 1500 phone calls over the last month or so from people taking polls on the upcoming election.  I've grown so annoyed with them, that I had to find some way to make them entertaining to me, else become violently offensive to the pollers.  I remember the last straw, the one call that pushed me over the edge, the one that broke my sanity for a moment, and forced me to begin messing with the heads of these pollers.

Elections are not fun times for Mail carriers.  All those pieces of election mail that you get every day, all those MANY pieces of election mail, yeah, EVERYONE gets EVERY ONE of them.  Your poor mail carrier has to give all seven or eight of them per day to every single home on their route.  The biggest sender of these fliers, etc, is Mia Love.  Every election has one person that just tries so hard to utterly destroy his or her opponent, and this year it's Mia Love.

Personally, I like Jim Matheson, the one she's running against.  He's had a pretty good record thus far, usually votes the way I would if I were in his place in congress, and I've met him.  He's a nice guy.  He lives next door to my Grandma, helps her with yard work, and he's been over to a few family BBQs we've had.

Mia Love, is CONSTANTLY sending out attack ads against him, bombarding TV with them, bombarding the mailbox with them, I've even found fliers on my front door, and on the windshield of my truck.  I've followed Matheson's career, being that he is something of a family friend.  I haven't followed hers so closely.  So, when I see how much she is trying to paint Matheson as evil incarnate, it makes me wonder what she's trying to direct my attention away from in her own record.

So, anyway, this one day, I had about 7 different Mia Love attack ads that I had to deliver to EVERY SINGLE HOUSE ON MY ROUTE.  I was getting pretty freaking sick of looking at her annoying, smug grin.  And, low, and behold, as I'm FINALLY delivering to my last box, FOUR HOURS past when I normally would have, my phone rings.  Caller ID shows a blocked number.  That NORMALLY means my supervisor is calling me, and since I was so late in finishing, I assumed she was checking up on me.

"Hello," I said tiredly.

"Hello, I'm conducting a poll for the upcoming election, and I would like to have your opinion on who you will be voting for."

"I'm sort of at work right now."

"This will only take a moment."

"Fine, whatever."

"So, will you be voting for Jim Matheson this election, who has sided with Obama on the vast majority of his votes, who is, in fact, the spawn of Satan, eats babies for snacks, and defiles underage virgins for sport, or will you be voting for Mia Love, who had dinner with Jesus last night, walks on water, and recently began healing the sick simply by the power of her sincere smile."

I may be exaggerating slightly.

Listening to this guy go on about someone I've met several times, whose career I've followed and whom I like, bashing him so blatantly and wrongfully, AFTER I had spent all day delivering Mia Love attack ads...  That was it.  I was broken.  Something in my head went SNAP, and the world changed.  I found that I had a thirst for blood, and a sudden craving for apple crisp with a side of bacon and fish curry.  Have you ever been so pushed to anger that you would actually, physically harm someone over it if you could get your hands on them?

"Are you allowed to hang up on people," I asked.


"If someone get's all hostile with you.  Are you allowed to hang up on them?"

"Um... no.  I'm not."

"EXCELLENT!!!  I'm voting for Jim Matheson, AND LET ME TELL YOU WHY!!!"

And I went on to detail exactly why I prefer Matheson to Love, and went on to bash Mia Love for her ridiculous amount of attack ads, implying that she must be hiding something terrible that she doesn't want anyone to look into if she's trying so hard to make her opponent look bad.  I began to detail things that she might be hiding. Murder.  Cannibalism.  Bestiality.  Child Molestation. Child Molestation involving Bestiality.  That she used to be a man.  And the list goes on.  I went on for the entire 30 min drive back to the post office on things that she might be trying to hide.  I started to run out of ideas near the end, so I delved a little into the disgusting, and inappropriate.

So I got back to the office, parked myself and told the guy to "Please Hold."

I put my phone in my pocket, keeping it on, and started unloading my truck.  I sorted through all my bring back mail, and did all my after delivery work, which takes 10-15 mins, and then picked my phone back up.

"Are you still there?"

"Yes," he replied, sounding rather worn out by the ordeal.

"Do you enjoy having your time wasted with douchebaggery like this?"


"Good.  NEITHER DOES ANYONE ELSE!!!  Don't call me again."

Admittedly, I did act like something of a child, but I was just so pissed off after that horrible day of delivering ads for that awful woman, and that guy calling me to tell me more horrible things about Jim Matheson after it all pushed me over the edge.  Now, when pollsters call me, I try to mess with them in more clever, and less offensive ways.

I got one today where I tried to convert him to Mormonism.  One over the weekend where I began trying to sell her my car.  Another guy last week I kept trying to ask out on a date every time he tried to say anything, rolling out my best lisp and FABULOUS  gay voice impression.

These people are wasting my time.  They're saying hateful things about each other.  And it's all really indicative of the real problem that's plaguing this country.  Republicans and Democrats think they're at war with one another.  Well, guess what.  So long as the mentality that the other guys are the enemies pervades congress, NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO GET DONE, AND NOTHING IS EVER GOING TO GET BETTER. We're not enemies.  We're all Americans.  It's time to stop acting like people of the opposing political party are the bad guys and start looking for ways to work together and fix the problems that are ruining the greatest nation on Earth.  So, when people call me up to give me a load of BS like that, I'm going to show them what I really think of them.  That I don't respect them in the slightest bit, and I will make a mockery of what they are trying to do.  I invite anyone else out there who is as fed up with all of this crap as I am to do the same.

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