Memories of What Never Was - Draft 5 done

So, I finished up the fifth draft of Memories of What Never Was, and you can read it at the bottom of this page if you are so inclined. 

And yes, it has only been a week since I finished the 4th draft.  This draft was basically just a read through out loud to see if all of the writing sounded natural.  I tweaked a few things here and there to make the writing flow better so I wouldn't get tongue tied reading it aloud.  I added in a few lines here and there to clarify things I thought might have been a bit too vague.  I also came across an instance where Brand acted wildly out of character for a page or so just to create a bit of momentary drama.  I kind of can't believe it took me 5 whole drafts to even notice the problem.  A character should always act like himself, no matter what.  No amount of momentary drama will ever make up for breaking a character like that.  If you can't think of another way to create the drama while also being true to the character (which I did) maybe the drama just wasn't meant to be.

Anyway, I think maybe just one more draft should finish this one up.  I'm going to head over and work on the final draft of Spires of Inifinty before I get to it.  If anyone out there of the two or three people who actually read my blog would like to play beta reader for me, I'll be happy to e-mail a copy of it to you so you don't have to read it off of my craptastic website.  Mostly, what I'm looking for, is not people who will tell me how good they think it is.  I can get all that I want of that from my mom.  What I need is someone to tell me what they don't like about it.  What they think I'm doing wrong.